friend or foe?

So I meet someone new on Facebook who seems interesting enough, and I consciously decide I will give this person a glimpse of me.

They show up at a time when I am vulnerable emotionally, nursing a broken heart. They don’t want to shack up or get physical with me, they just want friendship. So I think to myself, what harm could there be, they need companionship, and I happen to be craving a different perspective from my regular circle, and besides, it’s a virtual friendship so there’s no harm there. I can be totally transparent with this person without fear that they will look at me differently when they see me, or their perception of me will be distorted. I mean, a virtual friend offers that platform to breakdown and be vulnerable without having to relive those moments forever!!!

She is a poet, and has a way with words.

She seems intrigued by me in all aspects, we chat for hours on end with the comfort that someone out there is feeling what we’re talking about.

Our stories are basically revolving amongst life, careers, family and among other things, always end up on relationships. I seem to be on a path she’d walked a few months before me, and she seems to be in a path I’ve walked several times in the past. So the friendship brews, it becomes the comfort and highlight of my days.

My intuition keeps nagging at me that I’m connected to this person, but when I probe for tangible evidence I can’t put my finger on it.

I have a suspicion that she could be my ex-boyfriend’s ex now girlfriend again. The woman he broke up with when we started seeing each other.

I am constantly looking for clues to confirm my suspicion, and I tell friends about my uneasiness, but there is absolutely nothing that supports my suspicion so we all pin it on “you’re just being paranoid, girl!”.

The friendship extends to exchanging contact numbers, she calls now and again, but whenever I decide to call her she will not answer, or the phone will be off, and she will definitely return my calls eventually, after a day or two.

This was my first major suspicion that called for a formal investigation to be lodged.

So I decide I will ask the common denominator, the ex-boyfriend, and it turns out I was right, the cellphone number gave her away.

I felt betrayed, and her justification for intruding into my personal private life like that is simple,

“I wanted to know what it is about you that made him leave me for you. What do you look like, how smart are you? What was your relationship like? I used the only way I knew how. It turns out you are quite cool and smart. But you shouldn’t be so trusting, Hun.”

Following that was a series of confrontations and angry sms’s about how I should grow a pair of ovaries and leave the guy alone, well he had already done that for me months before I even got to know her.

It was suprising to say the least, that even after all the “anonymous” conversations and heart-to-heart talks we had together, and me telling her how he left me because he loves her, and how I decided to move on and live life and pursue all kinds of dreams I have instead of keeping a heart yearning to go.

As angry as I was about the startling discovery that my so called “new virtual friend” was actually my worst foe in disguise,

I was more heartbroken that I’d met and became so close to this fabulous, inspiring, extremely intelligent, talented poetic woman, whom I connected with and would have cherished as a friend for a very long time.

The way we connected is unexplainable, and as phenomenal as she was, we couldn’t be friends anymore, not because she befriended me under false pretence, but because she is my ex-boyfriend’s ex now girlfriend.

From time to time I find myself reflecting on our conversations,

and still try to figure out whether she is the fabulous woman I got to know, or the psychotic woman who stooped to such extremes, and my heart bleeds for her.

As time went by, it became apparent that what really drove her to that level was her insecurity,

after having indulged her curiosity, it became her lethal self- destruction weapon, because she could not see the person that she is, could only compare herself to what she thought was great about me. She then started looking down on herself and doubting herself.

She did not see that the guy left and went back to her because he loves her that much as she is.

I wish she got to see herself as that woman, not the low self-esteemed, paranoid psychotic, crazy woman she let herself be.

I guess we all have our demons in life,

mine is trusting too easily and still believing in the innocence of human kind, and hers is allowing herself to be overcome by feelings of low self-worth that drive her to act out of character.

In the end, I do not see her as a foe, but rather someone who could have been an awesome friend had circumstances been different. And I sincerely hope that she has let me go, so she can embrace the love she deserves and receives in abundance.

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