Going through it…

There is something to be learnt in the deepest valley of grief, change, transformation.

Solitude becomes virtue, conversations with others stimulate your own perspectives.

The constant reach out to others that can shed a light, rescue you from the deep dark valley become fundamental.

The disappointment when others are also in their own valleys, hearing your loud voice screaming, unable to rescue you for they themselves are in opposite valleys, becomes foundational.

In the moment you realise, no one is coming to rescue you. Not because no one is willing, but rather everyone is in their own valley with no pathway to get to your side.

Hope comes from slowly climbing up, one step at a time, with a song in the heart, chanting melodical melancholies that give you strength to focus on the song, never mind the climb, follow the rhythmic steps each line, hook and sinker stirs in the soul.

Before you know it, you reach the top and get out of the valley, singing out loud, not realising that those who were too far to reach your deep end heard music from a distance, started making way to the source of the beautiful rhythm filling their heartbeat, upon getting closer they saw the most marvellous dance.

Each twist and turn you made as you gripped the valley walls, zealously climbing out the valley mindlessly like it was nothing but a choreographed dance routine, inspired their climb out their valleys, rushing to come see what’s happening, where this music comes from.

“What is this song you play? Where did you learn this marvellous dance? How did you do it in this valley? Please can you show us how to do it and sing the song for us?”

Well, can I really show you how to do it if you are not in the valley yourself? Did I take notes on how to do it? Do you want to get into this deep pit of a valley just to learn a deadly dance with a very high risk of demise?

Such is the mystery of life.

Each experience builds strength that cannot be transferred to another for life is an individual experience.

Draw strength from all that surrounds you, see it for the lesson it brings and the resilience it builds.

Embrace the applause when you reach the sun, out of the deep dark valley, for it never shines 24 hours a day. Soon enough, sure enough, the sun will set and the moon will rise.

Surely it is normal to be in the middle of the darkest night and still be hopeful for sunrise.

How we FEEL during change

Your feelings fluctuate between different emotional states during change, each individual is unique in how they process these emotions.

It’s critical for you to recognise how you feel and take the right steps to manage your emotions before they become a hindrance in your life journey.

Devilish times

I’ve heard older women tell stories of gruesome experiences they’ve had with their partners and still chose to stay in their union. They proceed to tell about how they are so great together despite all the devilish experiences their partners put them through in the past.

This has always amazed me, how do you stick around and continue being committed to someone who is blatantly telling you to piss off with their words, actions and aura? How do you then turn around and love that person again after they are done pissing all over you?

Well my friend, they say growing up is the bitch and hell yeah they couldn’t be more right!

There comes a time when you meet the angelic saviour that does everything right, all the things you’d seen happen to others, happen to you. This angel loves you just right, exactly the way you wanna be loved. They take you home to meet their mama and papa, for a 30-something year old single mom with three kids who’d never experienced that kind of acceptance, doesn’t that just say “YES HE IS THE ONE”?

In these angelic chapters, all you pray about is gratitude for ever finally experiencing this love, for this partner just knows exactly what you need before you even utter a word, wipes your tears as you deal with life’s blows, and gently nudges you out of your comfort zone (read hiding corner) to start living life on the edge, be bold, live your heart out and break away from the same old boring routine you’ve known all your life.

He then continues to capture the hearts of not just your family and friends, but your children from previous relationships too! When they talk about him you see their tender faces glow up. When he calls they jump first competing to be the ones who receive the call. In every interaction he never forgets to ask about them, talk to them. When he gifts you he includes the whole entourage. Every conversation between you involves not just you but your beautiful offspring as well. Actually, they are not just your children, they are his and yours together!

Then almost like a witchy spell, things flip to the other side of the coin. And devilish times start creeping in.

Initially as you see the signs you keep telling yourself that you are being paranoid because of all the previous experiences. As you keep analysing the now questionable behaviours, you keep having to second guess your intuition. This person has won everyone over, and he is so smooth in his game, everyone points all fault and the tumbling times to you being paranoid.

Of course he never misses a step in his play around the entourage family and friends, wanting to maintain his image as the angelic saviour. But then again, every time you see this act you now know that there is a wolf underneath this sheepish angel presenting. The most difficult aspect is exposing the wolf side because honestly, every intuitive nudge is downplayed to paranoia by your sensible logical self and everyone else who only sees the good flip side of the coin.

Until one day, the wolf tail starts showing up, too long to hide under the sheep cover. All of a sudden the devil đź‘ż is out to play in full view of everyone, and damn, guess what, there’s another unsuspecting third party who’s now being given the angelic treat. It does take a while to register that oh okay we have now moved on to different versions of the same character.

At this point you’re not even sure who exactly you met and fell in love with. You get even more confused by the expose you have experienced, was it all play or was it ever genuine?

The great sweet nothings you whispered in each other’s ears in the middle of the night become matter of debate on whether there was ever any truth in them.

The nude videos and photos are still haunting you in your hard drive, should you delete them or keep as mementos? The fears about nudic public expose’ become a real matter to deliberate and make peace with. Given the devil facing you now, who knows where those could end up?

This is the point where I now wonder, is it ever possible to recover from such deceit, betrayal and manslaughter?

Is it really possible to ever overlook that at any point and continue to hold on to the promises made during the angelic times?

Is life really meant to take us to such depths of grief, betrayal and heartbreak for us to learn more about love?

I’ve heard people tell me about how I love unconditionally. I wonder if there ever is a limit to the unconditional aspect.

Nobody is perfect, but hell, the devil is just a bit too fiery to keep in the folds when the devil’s fire is blazing and threatens to burn the life out of my bliss.

Some people naturally adore blazing fires, for the fire is in their blood. They carelessly dance in it like it’s nothing, just like the naked woman dancing with a snake in the movie Dusk till Dawn.

I’m just earth, thriving on water to quench my thirst and oxygen to breathe life into my earthly body.

When the devil’s fire is rising, water is calming, abundant and healing, air cools off the heat.

I can’t ever imagine myself fried up in that fiery drama!

So it makes sense to grab that bucket full of water and put the fire out in an effort to save myself from hell. Then cool off in fresh breeze of open fields rolling across the vast open lands surrounding me.

If you were in these shoes, what would you do?

Where I was going…

Yeah I got caught up on Facebook as soon as I grabbed my phone to write this post. Typical behaviour, I got sidetracked and in the process a fire was lit up in my chest!

Then I remembered that, Facebook wasn’t the reason I had grabbed this phone at this hour to air my chest.

After all is said and done, the reason why I grabbed this phone is…

I am faced with a task to go face my past, my past love, or is it still current love? Well I don’t know any more but yeah I have to go to Joburg, tie up loose ends and put some matters to bed.

It’s hard pulling myself out of the bliss of where I am.

I look around and listen to the messages that birds sing in their chirp, the mountains that remind me there are distant places in my sight I cannot even begin to imagine ever reaching.

I look at the children playing mindlessly and remember what it was like when I could not see their play!

Deep sigh,

I pull myself out of my comfort, down the drink (last swallow) and decide that yes,

I will go ahead and face my past self.

My past world.

My love.

My foregone dream that came true but didn’t deliver the gold I had anticipated would be the reward.

Just like in the movies, right?

Right.

I want to learn to…

  1. Run a professional design company.
  2. Say No when I feel it is No.
  3. Accept others and not want them to change.
  4. Stop pushing my kids too hard.
  5. Spend more time nurturing my teenage son.
  6. Grow my own food in my own land.
  7. Appreciate the life I have instead of always working towards or wishing for a better one.
  8. Help other people without damaging myself.
  9. Deal with my demons without relapsing to worse ones.
  10. Speak and act in a calm manner instead of anger and rush.

Heritage is my blood

On Heritage Day, 24 September 2018 I added a story to what was originally an Instagram image posted the day before my mother departed her earthly life in January 2017.

The Instagram post was my way of commemorating the moment I was making peace with God because I knew that He is taking her angel back to spirit world.

Today it lands on my timeline again,

And what is says to me is,

“Ncum, baby, Mama is saying hello from the other side. For I have never left you. Yes I am resting, watching over you and giggling at finally being able to see you first hand live your life to the fullest.

Always remember that dreams come true, never stop dreaming, and the only way to manifest LOVE is to be true to yourself, even when it is easier to be someone you are not.” – Mom.

I write today in memory of the Batlokoa Princess, Ntsebeng, Lily, Nomzi, Sebi, ‘N’; who in my eyes exemplifies true dedication to living a life of purpose.

I will always look up to you, Mama, your best and your worst.

Not because I want to emulate you and how you lived, but because I want to remember that it is possible to live a life of purpose and passion. I know this through you.

Loving you forever and always,

Ncum.

Contents of Contentment

A lot of times we list being content as being financially comfortable, or without challenges in life. And we spend so much time

Continue reading “Contents of Contentment”

Love will be forgotten

A year’s gone past today

It’s still as vivid as exactly this day last year

A lot has happened,

I have healed, I haven’t forgotten

I remember the pain with every man that tells me

I love you

I pray I forget of its existence

Every look in the mirror I see it all over again

Imprisoned by a love I felt

Thought would last forever

God knows I try

With all my might to close the door

But how possible is it,

When the windows keep opening

In His time, I will forget

Until then,

Hold my head high

One step forward

It will be tomorrow again soon

And love will be forgotten.

Step-up

Step-up

A mantra I chant to myself every morning, day, evening and night.

Step up to being a good mom, achieve your career goals, buy that house, pay off those debts, go to that girls’ night out, go home to be with family, go to that festival even if you’re alone.

Step up and be the best you can be.

Every time there are two steps up, there is one step down. Yes, it doesn’t just all work out at once. Conflict is part of it, those you love and loath evenly. You lose some, you win some, eventually you conquer the demons, the skies clear up and opportunities arise, amends are made, goals are achieved and new goals come up.

There is a price to pay; with every step up there is a hefty price to pay. You spend time with the kids so they are happy. You still worry about the work you are supposed to complete before Monday, and the 15th outing with the girls that you have turned down.

There is only one you, and you are not able to do it all at once. There are no limits or targets other than the ones you set for yourself. In your time, when you can, you will do it, in the order that you arrange yourself.

You know your priorities, and challenges, you deal with your demons, you face the wrath, you have every right to choose and live by your choices. If it is on anyone else’s clock, nothing will be achieved, and you will forever be wondering why it is so.

Stick to your beliefs, values, goals and targets, if you don’t live yours, you will adopt everyone else’s and you have no idea why they are.

It will be challenging, it will be worth it.

If it’s yours, nobody else’s.

Rebound

pexels-photo-292813.jpegPlease…

Do not let me fall for you

Do not creep into my heart

Let’s not get into the complicated stuff

Can’t we just have fun and leave it at that?

My heart is recouping

And you’re doing a great job at curing it

Let me not fall for you

I dont know if you’ll be there

To catch me if I fall

I might just crush an already broken heart

And render you useless