How we FEEL during change

Your feelings fluctuate between different emotional states during change, each individual is unique in how they process these emotions.

It’s critical for you to recognise how you feel and take the right steps to manage your emotions before they become a hindrance in your life journey.

Devilish times

I’ve heard older women tell stories of gruesome experiences they’ve had with their partners and still chose to stay in their union. They proceed to tell about how they are so great together despite all the devilish experiences their partners put them through in the past.

This has always amazed me, how do you stick around and continue being committed to someone who is blatantly telling you to piss off with their words, actions and aura? How do you then turn around and love that person again after they are done pissing all over you?

Well my friend, they say growing up is the bitch and hell yeah they couldn’t be more right!

There comes a time when you meet the angelic saviour that does everything right, all the things you’d seen happen to others, happen to you. This angel loves you just right, exactly the way you wanna be loved. They take you home to meet their mama and papa, for a 30-something year old single mom with three kids who’d never experienced that kind of acceptance, doesn’t that just say “YES HE IS THE ONE”?

In these angelic chapters, all you pray about is gratitude for ever finally experiencing this love, for this partner just knows exactly what you need before you even utter a word, wipes your tears as you deal with life’s blows, and gently nudges you out of your comfort zone (read hiding corner) to start living life on the edge, be bold, live your heart out and break away from the same old boring routine you’ve known all your life.

He then continues to capture the hearts of not just your family and friends, but your children from previous relationships too! When they talk about him you see their tender faces glow up. When he calls they jump first competing to be the ones who receive the call. In every interaction he never forgets to ask about them, talk to them. When he gifts you he includes the whole entourage. Every conversation between you involves not just you but your beautiful offspring as well. Actually, they are not just your children, they are his and yours together!

Then almost like a witchy spell, things flip to the other side of the coin. And devilish times start creeping in.

Initially as you see the signs you keep telling yourself that you are being paranoid because of all the previous experiences. As you keep analysing the now questionable behaviours, you keep having to second guess your intuition. This person has won everyone over, and he is so smooth in his game, everyone points all fault and the tumbling times to you being paranoid.

Of course he never misses a step in his play around the entourage family and friends, wanting to maintain his image as the angelic saviour. But then again, every time you see this act you now know that there is a wolf underneath this sheepish angel presenting. The most difficult aspect is exposing the wolf side because honestly, every intuitive nudge is downplayed to paranoia by your sensible logical self and everyone else who only sees the good flip side of the coin.

Until one day, the wolf tail starts showing up, too long to hide under the sheep cover. All of a sudden the devil 👿 is out to play in full view of everyone, and damn, guess what, there’s another unsuspecting third party who’s now being given the angelic treat. It does take a while to register that oh okay we have now moved on to different versions of the same character.

At this point you’re not even sure who exactly you met and fell in love with. You get even more confused by the expose you have experienced, was it all play or was it ever genuine?

The great sweet nothings you whispered in each other’s ears in the middle of the night become matter of debate on whether there was ever any truth in them.

The nude videos and photos are still haunting you in your hard drive, should you delete them or keep as mementos? The fears about nudic public expose’ become a real matter to deliberate and make peace with. Given the devil facing you now, who knows where those could end up?

This is the point where I now wonder, is it ever possible to recover from such deceit, betrayal and manslaughter?

Is it really possible to ever overlook that at any point and continue to hold on to the promises made during the angelic times?

Is life really meant to take us to such depths of grief, betrayal and heartbreak for us to learn more about love?

I’ve heard people tell me about how I love unconditionally. I wonder if there ever is a limit to the unconditional aspect.

Nobody is perfect, but hell, the devil is just a bit too fiery to keep in the folds when the devil’s fire is blazing and threatens to burn the life out of my bliss.

Some people naturally adore blazing fires, for the fire is in their blood. They carelessly dance in it like it’s nothing, just like the naked woman dancing with a snake in the movie Dusk till Dawn.

I’m just earth, thriving on water to quench my thirst and oxygen to breathe life into my earthly body.

When the devil’s fire is rising, water is calming, abundant and healing, air cools off the heat.

I can’t ever imagine myself fried up in that fiery drama!

So it makes sense to grab that bucket full of water and put the fire out in an effort to save myself from hell. Then cool off in fresh breeze of open fields rolling across the vast open lands surrounding me.

If you were in these shoes, what would you do?

Where I was going…

Yeah I got caught up on Facebook as soon as I grabbed my phone to write this post. Typical behaviour, I got sidetracked and in the process a fire was lit up in my chest!

Then I remembered that, Facebook wasn’t the reason I had grabbed this phone at this hour to air my chest.

After all is said and done, the reason why I grabbed this phone is…

I am faced with a task to go face my past, my past love, or is it still current love? Well I don’t know any more but yeah I have to go to Joburg, tie up loose ends and put some matters to bed.

It’s hard pulling myself out of the bliss of where I am.

I look around and listen to the messages that birds sing in their chirp, the mountains that remind me there are distant places in my sight I cannot even begin to imagine ever reaching.

I look at the children playing mindlessly and remember what it was like when I could not see their play!

Deep sigh,

I pull myself out of my comfort, down the drink (last swallow) and decide that yes,

I will go ahead and face my past self.

My past world.

My love.

My foregone dream that came true but didn’t deliver the gold I had anticipated would be the reward.

Just like in the movies, right?

Right.

I want to learn to…

  1. Run a professional design company.
  2. Say No when I feel it is No.
  3. Accept others and not want them to change.
  4. Stop pushing my kids too hard.
  5. Spend more time nurturing my teenage son.
  6. Grow my own food in my own land.
  7. Appreciate the life I have instead of always working towards or wishing for a better one.
  8. Help other people without damaging myself.
  9. Deal with my demons without relapsing to worse ones.
  10. Speak and act in a calm manner instead of anger and rush.

Heritage is my blood

On Heritage Day, 24 September 2018 I added a story to what was originally an Instagram image posted the day before my mother departed her earthly life in January 2017.

The Instagram post was my way of commemorating the moment I was making peace with God because I knew that He is taking her angel back to spirit world.

Today it lands on my timeline again,

And what is says to me is,

“Ncum, baby, Mama is saying hello from the other side. For I have never left you. Yes I am resting, watching over you and giggling at finally being able to see you first hand live your life to the fullest.

Always remember that dreams come true, never stop dreaming, and the only way to manifest LOVE is to be true to yourself, even when it is easier to be someone you are not.” – Mom.

I write today in memory of the Batlokoa Princess, Ntsebeng, Lily, Nomzi, Sebi, ‘N’; who in my eyes exemplifies true dedication to living a life of purpose.

I will always look up to you, Mama, your best and your worst.

Not because I want to emulate you and how you lived, but because I want to remember that it is possible to live a life of purpose and passion. I know this through you.

Loving you forever and always,

Ncum.

Contents of Contentment

A lot of times we list being content as being financially comfortable, or without challenges in life. And we spend so much time

Continue reading “Contents of Contentment”

Step-up

Step-up

A mantra I chant to myself every morning, day, evening and night.

Step up to being a good mom, achieve your career goals, buy that house, pay off those debts, go to that girls’ night out, go home to be with family, go to that festival even if you’re alone.

Step up and be the best you can be.

Every time there are two steps up, there is one step down. Yes, it doesn’t just all work out at once. Conflict is part of it, those you love and loath evenly. You lose some, you win some, eventually you conquer the demons, the skies clear up and opportunities arise, amends are made, goals are achieved and new goals come up.

There is a price to pay; with every step up there is a hefty price to pay. You spend time with the kids so they are happy. You still worry about the work you are supposed to complete before Monday, and the 15th outing with the girls that you have turned down.

There is only one you, and you are not able to do it all at once. There are no limits or targets other than the ones you set for yourself. In your time, when you can, you will do it, in the order that you arrange yourself.

You know your priorities, and challenges, you deal with your demons, you face the wrath, you have every right to choose and live by your choices. If it is on anyone else’s clock, nothing will be achieved, and you will forever be wondering why it is so.

Stick to your beliefs, values, goals and targets, if you don’t live yours, you will adopt everyone else’s and you have no idea why they are.

It will be challenging, it will be worth it.

If it’s yours, nobody else’s.

Rebound

pexels-photo-292813.jpegPlease…

Do not let me fall for you

Do not creep into my heart

Let’s not get into the complicated stuff

Can’t we just have fun and leave it at that?

My heart is recouping

And you’re doing a great job at curing it

Let me not fall for you

I dont know if you’ll be there

To catch me if I fall

I might just crush an already broken heart

And render you useless

Silent lullaby

pexels-photo-269583.jpegThe day was perfect

It started off on a perfect note

You part of it,

Good evening.

And the day ends well

On a good note

You part of it in thought,

Good night.

friend or foe?

So I meet someone new on Facebook who seems interesting enough, and I consciously decide I will give this person a glimpse of me.

They show up at a time when I am vulnerable emotionally, nursing a broken heart. They don’t want to shack up or get physical with me, they just want friendship. So I think to myself, what harm could there be, they need companionship, and I happen to be craving a different perspective from my regular circle, and besides, it’s a virtual friendship so there’s no harm there. I can be totally transparent with this person without fear that they will look at me differently when they see me, or their perception of me will be distorted. I mean, a virtual friend offers that platform to breakdown and be vulnerable without having to relive those moments forever!!!

She is a poet, and has a way with words.

She seems intrigued by me in all aspects, we chat for hours on end with the comfort that someone out there is feeling what we’re talking about.

Our stories are basically revolving amongst life, careers, family and among other things, always end up on relationships. I seem to be on a path she’d walked a few months before me, and she seems to be in a path I’ve walked several times in the past. So the friendship brews, it becomes the comfort and highlight of my days.

My intuition keeps nagging at me that I’m connected to this person, but when I probe for tangible evidence I can’t put my finger on it.

I have a suspicion that she could be my ex-boyfriend’s ex now girlfriend again. The woman he broke up with when we started seeing each other.

I am constantly looking for clues to confirm my suspicion, and I tell friends about my uneasiness, but there is absolutely nothing that supports my suspicion so we all pin it on “you’re just being paranoid, girl!”.

The friendship extends to exchanging contact numbers, she calls now and again, but whenever I decide to call her she will not answer, or the phone will be off, and she will definitely return my calls eventually, after a day or two.

This was my first major suspicion that called for a formal investigation to be lodged.

So I decide I will ask the common denominator, the ex-boyfriend, and it turns out I was right, the cellphone number gave her away.

I felt betrayed, and her justification for intruding into my personal private life like that is simple,

“I wanted to know what it is about you that made him leave me for you. What do you look like, how smart are you? What was your relationship like? I used the only way I knew how. It turns out you are quite cool and smart. But you shouldn’t be so trusting, Hun.”

Following that was a series of confrontations and angry sms’s about how I should grow a pair of ovaries and leave the guy alone, well he had already done that for me months before I even got to know her.

It was suprising to say the least, that even after all the “anonymous” conversations and heart-to-heart talks we had together, and me telling her how he left me because he loves her, and how I decided to move on and live life and pursue all kinds of dreams I have instead of keeping a heart yearning to go.

As angry as I was about the startling discovery that my so called “new virtual friend” was actually my worst foe in disguise,

I was more heartbroken that I’d met and became so close to this fabulous, inspiring, extremely intelligent, talented poetic woman, whom I connected with and would have cherished as a friend for a very long time.

The way we connected is unexplainable, and as phenomenal as she was, we couldn’t be friends anymore, not because she befriended me under false pretence, but because she is my ex-boyfriend’s ex now girlfriend.

From time to time I find myself reflecting on our conversations,

and still try to figure out whether she is the fabulous woman I got to know, or the psychotic woman who stooped to such extremes, and my heart bleeds for her.

As time went by, it became apparent that what really drove her to that level was her insecurity,

after having indulged her curiosity, it became her lethal self- destruction weapon, because she could not see the person that she is, could only compare herself to what she thought was great about me. She then started looking down on herself and doubting herself.

She did not see that the guy left and went back to her because he loves her that much as she is.

I wish she got to see herself as that woman, not the low self-esteemed, paranoid psychotic, crazy woman she let herself be.

I guess we all have our demons in life,

mine is trusting too easily and still believing in the innocence of human kind, and hers is allowing herself to be overcome by feelings of low self-worth that drive her to act out of character.

In the end, I do not see her as a foe, but rather someone who could have been an awesome friend had circumstances been different. And I sincerely hope that she has let me go, so she can embrace the love she deserves and receives in abundance.