MeMeMe

I have been labelled as vain, self-centred, in love with myself etc.

Maybe I am, don’t blame me, I was born so, and my uncle knew it, before I could even speak, that I will be me, love me, talk about me, embrace me, against all odds. and he named me Nomna, No-Mna, Me, myself and I, in direct translation.

I have been thinking lately, why is it so bad to talk about, share, embrace me? Is it better if I talk about everyone else? Doesn’t that make me a gossipmonger? Umxabanisi? Gqadambekweni?

Every conversation begins with general info, world news, interests, and when that runs out, either you reveal a little bit (to a stranger) or a bit more (to a friend, your people) about yourself. When is it considered vain? If I don’t talk about myself when everything else runs out, I will ask about you, and you will label me as “uthanda indaba zabantu”. If I can’t ask you about you, I have to talk/ask about other people. In my dictionary that is labelled as gossiping.

So, make up your mind, which do you prefer, and inform me, before you label me vain, or a gossip monger. I can do both.

But I prefer to be me, worry about me, do me, love me and talk about me first. Should you choose, I would love to hear about you too!!!!

friend or foe?

So I meet someone new on Facebook who seems interesting enough, and I consciously decide I will give this person a glimpse of me.

They show up at a time when I am vulnerable emotionally, nursing a broken heart. They don’t want to shack up or get physical with me, they just want friendship. So I think to myself, what harm could there be, they need companionship, and I happen to be craving a different perspective from my regular circle, and besides, it’s a virtual friendship so there’s no harm there. I can be totally transparent with this person without fear that they will look at me differently when they see me, or their perception of me will be distorted. I mean, a virtual friend offers that platform to breakdown and be vulnerable without having to relive those moments forever!!!

She is a poet, and has a way with words.

She seems intrigued by me in all aspects, we chat for hours on end with the comfort that someone out there is feeling what we’re talking about.

Our stories are basically revolving amongst life, careers, family and among other things, always end up on relationships. I seem to be on a path she’d walked a few months before me, and she seems to be in a path I’ve walked several times in the past. So the friendship brews, it becomes the comfort and highlight of my days.

My intuition keeps nagging at me that I’m connected to this person, but when I probe for tangible evidence I can’t put my finger on it.

I have a suspicion that she could be my ex-boyfriend’s ex now girlfriend again. The woman he broke up with when we started seeing each other.

I am constantly looking for clues to confirm my suspicion, and I tell friends about my uneasiness, but there is absolutely nothing that supports my suspicion so we all pin it on “you’re just being paranoid, girl!”.

The friendship extends to exchanging contact numbers, she calls now and again, but whenever I decide to call her she will not answer, or the phone will be off, and she will definitely return my calls eventually, after a day or two.

This was my first major suspicion that called for a formal investigation to be lodged.

So I decide I will ask the common denominator, the ex-boyfriend, and it turns out I was right, the cellphone number gave her away.

I felt betrayed, and her justification for intruding into my personal private life like that is simple,

“I wanted to know what it is about you that made him leave me for you. What do you look like, how smart are you? What was your relationship like? I used the only way I knew how. It turns out you are quite cool and smart. But you shouldn’t be so trusting, Hun.”

Following that was a series of confrontations and angry sms’s about how I should grow a pair of ovaries and leave the guy alone, well he had already done that for me months before I even got to know her.

It was suprising to say the least, that even after all the “anonymous” conversations and heart-to-heart talks we had together, and me telling her how he left me because he loves her, and how I decided to move on and live life and pursue all kinds of dreams I have instead of keeping a heart yearning to go.

As angry as I was about the startling discovery that my so called “new virtual friend” was actually my worst foe in disguise,

I was more heartbroken that I’d met and became so close to this fabulous, inspiring, extremely intelligent, talented poetic woman, whom I connected with and would have cherished as a friend for a very long time.

The way we connected is unexplainable, and as phenomenal as she was, we couldn’t be friends anymore, not because she befriended me under false pretence, but because she is my ex-boyfriend’s ex now girlfriend.

From time to time I find myself reflecting on our conversations,

and still try to figure out whether she is the fabulous woman I got to know, or the psychotic woman who stooped to such extremes, and my heart bleeds for her.

As time went by, it became apparent that what really drove her to that level was her insecurity,

after having indulged her curiosity, it became her lethal self- destruction weapon, because she could not see the person that she is, could only compare herself to what she thought was great about me. She then started looking down on herself and doubting herself.

She did not see that the guy left and went back to her because he loves her that much as she is.

I wish she got to see herself as that woman, not the low self-esteemed, paranoid psychotic, crazy woman she let herself be.

I guess we all have our demons in life,

mine is trusting too easily and still believing in the innocence of human kind, and hers is allowing herself to be overcome by feelings of low self-worth that drive her to act out of character.

In the end, I do not see her as a foe, but rather someone who could have been an awesome friend had circumstances been different. And I sincerely hope that she has let me go, so she can embrace the love she deserves and receives in abundance.

“I don’t love you anymore”

The Moon is full today

And it’s in Scorpio!

Truths only

I dared into my private blog roll and discovered ramblings of interesting read including this story, which I have kept in my treasure chest called WordPress for 8 years!

Today we air the chest and clear the air!

For we now know better,

we are more confident,

and we see clearly!

With SPIRIT EYES

CALLED LOVE.

The unconditional type of LOVE,

SELF-LOVE.

Did I really cry and pine over a heartbreak that long???

As above, so below

Ncumisa Nomna Mbusi – 07 May 2020

On the 3rd November, exactly 3 months today, I was told, “I don’t love you anymore”.

It was in the morning, I knew his mind and attention had been somewhere else for weeks, but I didn’t see it coming.

I thought to myself, “well, the honeymoon phase is waning he’s mourning that, we will be fine”.

No, we were far from being fine.

It was over.

And I hadn’t seen it coming!!!

You might ask why I state that I didn’t see it coming, when things hadn’t been okay for a short while before that.

Well, the reason is simple and straight forward. It always is for all women.

I thought he will get over it, I thought I will not give him the satisfaction of leaving him because he was acting differently, because then he would walk away guilt free, move on and never look back, I would give him his ticket to freedom.

Yes we had our challenges, but I didn’t want him to leave!

He said it, and I was dumb struck.

I didn’t know what to do nor say.

The shock of this man’s guts!!!

We all know men don’t like being the bad cops hence they always play mind games until you figure it out yourself and make it official.

He was that brave, he told me, just like that, “I don’t love you anymore”.

After 3 months of begging, tears and stalking phone calls and numerous phone calls to my girlfriends, here I am, today, rocking the most daring hairstyle of my entire being, with a killer outfit, trembling and sweaty palms.

I’m supposed to be excited.

By OliaGraphics

The hairstyle worked, I finally got them to notice me and ask for my phone numbers.

I needed them to notice me and ask for my phone numbers. Just so I wouldn’t have to think about him every passing moment of my time hoping and praying he calls, wondering if he will ever say “I was wrong”.

I have not one, but two dates this afternoon.

And I’m ready to break down and cry all over again, coz I remembered, 3 months ago he told me “I don’t love you anymore”.

Lessons were learnt,

key one being,

every person and every chapter is a series of a path and encounters laid out for you to learn the lessons of life, Nomna.

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Learn to embrace every ending,

for it opens an opportunity for new beginnings.

WHO doesn’t want fresh brand spanking NEW?

Ncumisa Nomna Mbusi – 7 May 2020
Photo by Matheus Viana on Pexels.com

Cravings… of a different kind

pexels-photo-46024.jpeg

Cravings

Let’s talk about cravings. Women have been known to have the weirdest of cravings!! Its starts with PMS, just before that time of the month you find yourself craving all sorts of food you don’t normally think about during the month.

When you fall pregnant, one of the first indicators and changes that a woman experiences is the change in food interests. You crave the weirdest concoctions and unusual foods. Its normal, women experience these at some point in their lives.

The craving that has me typing away this time is a different kind of a craving. I have rarely experienced this before, and no woman openly admits to having these kinds of cravings.

This has come about as a result of my all-of-a-sudden single status. I have never been married, but for as long as I started dating I have always had “someone”.

The significance of that someone has varied from occasional flings, friends with benefits, and boyfriends. They always overlap and there is at least one kind in the picture. They always fulfilled this need. I am not talking about being horny, no.

Then there was that someone special, that you think will stick around for a while, and he left. And my closet was clean, nothing whatsoever. All of a sudden I am craving, a man to sleep next to me. Just sleep, no cushy business, just sleep, and wake up next to me.

My son has been sleeping in my bed, but I have chased him out of my bed, I want a man. That will wake up next to me. That is my craving. And there is nobody to fulfil it.

Why has nobody told me there are such cravings??? How do I fulfil them?

Can we be friends?

pexels-photo.jpgFirst blog

Well, this is meant to be more of an online journal where i get to express my thoughts, post all the things that make me tick and itsy bitsies that make life interesting.

The idea of a blog was born when i was madly inlove with a certain somebody.Iit was just that, an idea.Until they left, and I did not have anyone to share my thoughts with, and felt guilty about offloading to friends. So, my dearest blog, Can we be friends? I certainly hope so.

See, the thing is when you have someone that you truly UNCONDITIONALLY loved, you can never be friends (I mean the bestest gaz-lam kinda friendship) because they occupied a space that not even friendship can fill in your heart. and its the space that w ill always remain empty as long as they are not in it. because even if someone else comes along, they can never match up to the custom-made space snuggly.

As for the said loved one, friendship doesn’t work because there will always be one party playing guilt trips on the other. They will always feel that (you took a piece of me with you) and can never really innocently appreciate each other without one feeling guilty. You can’t confide in each other because one is vulnerable and doesn’t want to expose that beacuse they don’t want to come across as weak. hence you can never be BFF or BBF kinda thing.

U can only be acquaintances, buddies, “yeah we’re friends” and it doesn’t matter how much time passes it can never change that.

So my dearest loved one, I cannot be friends with you, because everytime you tell me about your perfect weekend outing I will still be thinking about ” Its me you should have been doing that with” behind the smile. And as we celebrate your first born son I will also be thinking deep down ” the kids we always thought we’d have together”.

I’d rather just carry on with life without the reminder of the dream unrealised, so I can eventually hopefully dream up new dreams of my own.

Regards

Beloved Ex